Picking out the pieces

In one way, I wish for the days I didn't realize who I am - though believe me, that's only like 1% of the time. On those days, I just thought I was odd. Now I understand what makes that oddness a part of me.

Today it started with something as simple as a phone. I hate phones. Despise them. Always have. I've never seen the value of staying on the device and talking about nothing for hours at a time. If I have to make a call, I want it short. I want it to the point. And I want it over in less than 5 minutes.

I stopped counting how many times people - both men and women - told me that was odd. About how 'unfemale-like' it was.

So today as I stood with a TracFone in hand with a disgruntled expression on my face, I realized that part of my dislike for the damned device must land in either my male or agendered parts. Which is a strange thing to think at first.

But then? It's kind of cool. It's like another little nugget I can put into the "This is what I do" pile in my head to where it makes sense.

Like why I hate dresses. How I get so ultra competitive on dates. And why I think small talk is the true bane of our existence.

And why I would be happy if people would stop trying to talk to me on long car rides. Like seriously? Stop talking. Leave me to my mental peace where I am drawing diagrams, making up storylines, and many times thinking of nothing at all.

Dating issues of one multi-gendered individual

It's interesting when you finally figure out why you're so different, how so many things in your past that bothered you begin to make sense.

Let's talk dating and relationships. First off, the experiences in this blog are my own, not anyone else's. I'm not speaking for any other gendered person except myself. And don't expect these posts to be politically correct. I'm telling it like it is from MY Point of View.

Dating has always been a conundrum for me. Hell, life was always a conundrum for me. I never knew who to be, how to act, what to do... because it always seemed to be wrong to everyone else. Thankfully I'm a lot more comfortable in my shoes now, but there are still things that befuddle me.

First off, let me state the facts. I have female physiology and three genders: Masculine, Feminine, and None.

I can remember in my teens every night as I was trying to sleep imagining going to sleep and waking up with a male body - hoping it would happen. Every damned night. Of course, it didn't happen. So after awhile, I tried my best to be what everyone expected a girl to be. Didn't work out. At least now I understand why.

I asked a guy out on a date and paid when I was 18 and OMG, you would think I'd suggested Adolf Hitler was a good guy by the way my mother and grandmother acted.

When I was 22/23, a guy I knew actually said to me "Oh, you're not a real girl."

Now, as a person who is way beyond that age, I still have issues with dating. Here's my conundrum.

When I'm out with a guy, I realize I act like a guy. I'm competitive. I become their friend/buddy. That is how I interact with men. And let me state categorically: I'm into men. I love men's voices, their bodies, their personalities, and yes, when I come across a gentleman, I go a bit gaga.

However... heterosexual men are naturally confused on a date with someone who 'acts like a guy'. And homosexual men won't date a multi-gendered individual in a female body (and I don't blame them -I am missing a certain piece of equipment). There are expectations of how I'm supposed to act as a female, and I don't quite fit. I never have. And while knowing that, and understanding why all past dating failed, I'm even more at a loss to figure out how to find a partner.

Because, I'm not just one gender. I'm not just a male gender in a female body. I also have a female side and that side loves certain things. The thing is, I can be both at the same time. Hell, I can be all three genders at the same time. I have no idea if anyone could handle that. Anyone know?

There's an expectation of people my age. When people find out I've never been married or ever been in a long-term relationship, they just assume something is wrong with me. "Oh, she must have a lot of baggage". Well, hell, everyone has baggage. But at least I don't come with a string of exes or children. *smirk*

But as a genderfuid person, I have no idea how to find a man who is open to the wonder that is me. I mean, it's not like that's something you blurt out when you meet someone. "Oh, hi. My name is... and I'm genderfluid, how about you?"

Or is it? I've been out of the dating game so long I have absolutely no idea.

First Post

Hello, and welcome to Gendered. I can't say how often I'll update this blog, but I needed a place where I could document the memories and concepts that occur to me whenever I see how the basic male/female gender conundrum has harmed me.

Let me state this blog is NOT out to slam normative gendered people. That is not what this is about. This blog is to help me get my ideas down and to be a voice for those who don't understand yet why they can't 'fit in'.

I am a non-normative, multi-gendered individual. While yes, there is a set of pronouns I feel partial to, no, I do not expect you to remember them. Pronouns are supposed to be a fill all, aren't they? Though, if you wish to know, I prefer: Xe, Xys, Xem, Xemself. Though I can handle 'they' as well. Though if you refer to me as  he or she, I'll just shrug. After all, those are part of who I am, just not ALL of who I am.

I am agender, male gender, and female gender. There may be more, but those are the ones I have been able to identify. And no, that does not mean I have a multiple personality. My gender identity is so fluid, I couldn't explain to you which gender I was in at that moment... though looking back I can do so in the memories I've been able to parse. So I guess I also go under the guise of Genderfluid. But let's not confuse all the normatives too much, right?

I've spent decades not fitting in and now that I get why, some of those stronger memories are coming back with extreme clarity with a whole new view. They make more sense - I GET why things were wonky then.

As for sexuality, that becomes confusing to the extreme so I am not going to touch on it in this post. I'll let my cartoon describe the situation later.

I'm resurrecting a cartoon character I created way back in the early '90s called Quoible. Let's see the gender conundrum through his eyes.